My heart is pounding outside of my chest. I’ve just deleted yet another tweet out of insecurity from not getting enough ‘likes’ (I should probably stop doing that). I had a large panic attack a couple days ago. Heck, I’m having one right now. When I look at pictures, I see someone who’s pretty, but also chubby. It’s hard to feel beautiful. . .
I see the double chin and thick body. I can see the “thin girl” inside. I’m struggling to see myself as worthy because of my excess weight. To make matters worse, I have a bad habit of sometimes digitally editing my photos. I used Facetune (photo-editing app) religiously (just recently deleted it off my phone – yay progress) and I can’t tell you how bad it was for my self-esteem (shoutout to Greg Shimizu for his amazing photography skills though, I’m in love with these photos! Pro-tip, find a great photographer and have a shoot for fun! It’s so lovely!).
I’m not going to try to preach as if I know it all, I really don’t. I’m still learning a lot, and have a long way to go. If anything, I’m on this journey with you, but you get a sneak peek into the inner workings of my mind. It’s funny, I’ve been working on my confidence since I was a teenager (10+ years, I’m 24 now haha), but sometimes there are moments or subjects that can totally defeat me. Weight is one of them, both emotional and physical. I carry the weight of perfectionism, years of familial expectations, and the idea of who I should be versus who I am. I also carry 70 extra pounds (yikes). I’m not sure which is worse, but to say losing weight is easy is a lie. Sure the steps may be black and white (for some people), but it’s proving more of a mental task than anything. Trying on clothes, looking in the mirror before taking a shower, seeing yourself in pictures noticing every nook and cranny — my God it’s exhausting.
The fact of the matter is that this is just the beginning. I must keep reminding myself, and this blog is a way I will do so. I will learn to not care as much about what people think and give myself the freedom to just be. That’s going to be the hardest weight to lose. Do you ever feel that way? Please let me know in the comments if so, I think there’s so much beauty in sharing our stories and cheering each other on!
Last week, I talked about how I’m motivated (which I still am!). Now I’m putting my aspirations to action. I deleted the app Facetune and I recently downloaded an app called Noom. It’s been a few days since I’ve started using it officially, and so far it seems good in holding you accountable to your goals by incorporating a counselor and great articles (no, I’m not sponsored…yet, lol but I want to be transparent in my journey). I’ll keep you posted on that, I promise! I’ve tried other apps that are not as interactive, but we will see how this works! The hardest part sometimes is just getting started. I recommend watching motivational speeches, listening to your favorite music, and just start by doing 1 thing of your resolutions every day.
To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.– Buddha
We may be different, but you and I have more in common than you think. We’re all souls temporarily on this beautiful planet with a mission. Whether you’ve found that yet or not, it’s for certain that we are all here for a reason. Earth is our home where our souls have the opportunity to find happiness, fulfillment, and truly make a difference. It’s an incredibly hard journey. We humans are so imperfect, and I have a lot to work on.
The good news is that we never have to go through it alone. It’s okay to not be okay, it’s okay to struggle. In our mistakes and hardships we learn and evolve (yes, I’m secretly a Pokémon!). We are all human and have our moments. What’s important is to surround yourself with positive people, strive to be positive as well, and find good support!
I’ve been taking therapy for 4+ years and it changed my life. I was able to develop the tools to navigate through life and my feelings. Also having loving friends and a support circle you trust is very important.
There’s a beauty in vulnerability. I’m slowly starting to see mine. 🙂 Thank you for joining my journey.
I hope to be a part of yours too! <3